I would like to always post something insightful, or encouraging as I normally do. But life will, at times, be cold, unforgiving, and relentless (as I am sure you all have discovered); life has become such to me recently. Don’t fret–this is NOT a suicide note; I think too highly of myself for that.

For the first time since my conversion, I admitted I don’t know, Not the answer to a question, but to life. It hit me at the end of the semester last month, but not until these three and half weeks of break has the terrible reality reared its abominable head. My finances have always been low and shaky. This semester (my final one, Thank the Lord),  they are actually depressing, and defeating . I have discovered some deeply troubling information about someone very close to me. I am already disagreeing, starkly, with my soon to be mother-in-law. I am taking 21 credit hours this next semester, working 25, and serve as a youth pastor, and chaplain for two on campus organizations, and as a Spiritual Life Group leader. There are also some serious issues I and my fiance must work out.

I am truly deject for the first time in my life. I am nearly defeated. I balance, unsettled, on a precipice overlooking that abyss of doubt, anxiety, and exasperation. As I stare into the chasm of inexplicable dismay, only one fact keeps me going. I must keep going.

I am so immovably resolved in my faith that I defy the misery of my circumstances in sight of the future. Not that my faith is strong–on the contrary. My faith right now is such a pathetic ember that I fear a kitten’s sneeze might extinguish it. But I don’t need faith like a mighty fire, I only need a flicker. And that’s what I have–a flicker. And undying, unyielding, obstinate spit of light that sends comforting whispers echoing across the fortress of my sorrow. And in the dark pit that my spirit lies in the minuscule  flare whispers, “Not yet”.

Not yet. My financial security is gone, but I’m not gone yet. Those close to me are afflicted and broken,but broken things are mend-able. I may be filled with hate, remorse, sorrow, and bitterness, but my humanity and human circumstances are passing and conquerable! I will not give obeisance to futility. I will not bend to the hurricane of destitution. I will not!

After posting this, I will not feel better. All will not be well. But that incorrigible flame is there. I know all will resolve in peace. Whether I know it will or not.

Nothing but knowing God will do that. Nothing.