What is next? What will be? What should I do? What can I do? Where can I go? Who shall I be?

I used to know the answers to these questions with every ounce of my being… but now, an old, persistent visage obscures my conscience. It is an unwelcomed guest I thought would never appear upon my door again—doubt. Not as to faith, for God is unmovable, but concerning purpose and direction in my own life. It was so clear. I saw my reflection sparkling in the pool of purpose and laughed at the world. Life, choice, and contributors outside my realm of knowledge have polluted the pool of purpose, I fear, beyond salvage. Another oasis may hold the image of my destiny, but I do not know the how or what, or even what direction to begin to move in. So I remain here, paralyzed in the fog, straining to regain my bearings, as doubt and fear drain any remaining energy or desire I had left.

I have grown to dread the twinkle of twilight—it hearkens the long, dark night. Dawn may come, but only those that weather the malicious night may gaze upon it. When will this twilight succumb to darkness? When will the encroaching darkness break to dawn?

God hasten it.

I truly lacked understanding.

How could the world be so cynical, so bitter, austere?

The good grace of God is there.

Academics claim that technology is soon to bring the future fair,

And faith in humanity’s ability is preached everywhere.

I truly lacked understanding.

Then it hit home.

Often the day dawns with contemptible feeling;

Work, life, and finance send you helplessly reeling.

You fight to keep positive through life’s mis-dealings–

fight to stay afloat as your head bumps the ceiling.

Then it hit home.

And so I reflect.

Despite your intentions and efforts to fight,

some choose to, or cannot, see the light.

You strive to meet half way or more with your might,

but they have their own fight and judgment of right.

And so I reflect.

Then I grew tired.

I have fought so long and so hard, what for?

Pride in self? Expectations of others? And reasons still more…

Yet existence, like a voracious waterfall, ceaselessly pours,

until I lay paralyzed on the floor.

Then I grew tired.

So I considered.

Will giving up dignity hurt more than the fall?

God still reigns, I still serve him, but the remainder of it all?

My will has extinguished, my pride bowed down—the expectations are too tall.

What is wanted, and what is needed—a crumbling wall.

So I considered.

Thus, I resigned.

Pride, dignity, desire, direction: all casualties in the war of my mind.

I have ceased to strive.

I have resigned.